Self Realization.....

Looking deep inside ourselves can be a difficult task. We need to remove masks, get real and stop trying to make an impression. Our motives have to be pure in order to really see what we need to see.
Might as well come out in the open and share that I meditate, daily, for long periods of time. Sitting silent, eyes open, mind clear, gazing at something. Most often its for a period of 30 minutes, but no clock is handy for me to watch. No 17 jewels to dictate the rules.
Today I looked deeply into myself to find the reason for the place I am at today in life. For most of my life, even as a child I have had the feeling my purpose was to reach out to more than just my family. I say these next words with a bit of trepidation as I don't want them to seem ego filled. But I have always felt that in my life I was meant to be "famous". Yes, you can smile at that, I give you permission since writing it, makes it seem soooo silly and so bold. But its true. Only problem, I feel unsure about what it is I am meant to share that would make me "famous". I am really baring my soul here aren't I. That wasn't really a question so I left off the question mark on purpose. It was a statement, full of self questioning perhaps.
So today I sat in meditation pondering this issue with full honesty.
The answer came and its not a pleasant one. First off, I am full of fear. Fear of success. Fear of how success of any nature, certainly not material, because that means next to nothing to me, but fear of how my life could change. I don't like change.
Also fear of how much success would require of me. I need to clarify something first, I feel successful in raising my family, in having a marriage that to me is one of those 1 in 1,000,000. What I am talking about is success for this time in my life that is beyond the walls of my home, its about sharing something put inside me, meant to be shared. I think we are all meant to live a life greater than just our own 4 walls.
Perhaps mine is to write that book I talk about. What keeps me from doing it. Fear, fear alone.
And this fear has manifest itself in laziness. I take no steps to move towards this dream, made inside me by something much greater than me.
Wow, that's sounds so big headed, but I don't mean it to.
I think I hide behind this simple homestead life, it keeps me behind these 4 walls. Spinning, gardening, chores, doing things the old fashioned way, does not require me to step beyond this comfort zone I have imposed on myself. It gives me this noble cause of living within my own space.
I am not sure if I am lazy or afraid, or if one gives birth to the other and if so, which comes first.
I know that we can accomplish so much in life if we work towards it, set it as a goal, dream about it, realize it. I don't have fear of failure, its a fear of not failing and how that may just take me to a place in life where I have to put myself into action even when I don't feel like it.
Hard to explain. This is probably one of those posts that just has to be written out for me, to put it out there. Said and done, admitted, no longer hidden in the recesses of my mind to be never acted on.
Like loosing weight. I really don't know any more what it feels like to be a healthy weight and I being fat allows me to have an excuse to not get out there and do what I was born to do at this point in my life.
So many times, for so many things, I have whispered to myself internally, "when I loose my weight I will do that then." Never loosing it, means I never have to do.....
Oh the way we stifle ourselves with our own self talk ! If I feel enlightened by all this, great, but it means nothing without action.

The fire I was watching while meditating and thinking.