This Afternoons Visit With Mei-Ling

Once again I drove Melanie and Casi in to see Mei-Ling at the hospital. We drove in near silence, each of us overcome with concern for this tiny little girl that we all love so much. In her 5 days of life, she has filled our hearts so full.
I let Melanie and Casi off at the main entrance while I parked the car. When I got to the second floor of the hospital I saw the chapel and decided to go in an pray while the new parents visited wee Miss Mei-Ling. The chapel is a place filled with hope. The main wall is a stained glass picture of Noah's ark, with the most beautiful rainbow. The sign of a promise. The kneelers have beautiful crewel embroidery of the same scene. The ceiling, beautiful blue sky with fluffy clouds. In the corner, a basket of simple teddy bears, hand made of cotton print, a hand made label on them that identifies them as Burden Bears, they help us bear the burdens. A lovely little story of the bears and how they can be stuffed by a pillow and night and help us bear our burdens. You can feel the love that these simple bears are made with.
I felt the need to bargain with God today...the same kind of prayer I prayed with God so long ago when Melanie lay so close to death at age 7. The conversation with God goes something like this..."God, if you heal Mei-Ling, I promise to always ... do this or that, the fill in the blanks sort of thing on any aspect of my life I feel uncertain about I guess. I would be willing to do anything. Now, this is my side of the conversation with God, the other side of the conversation was silent, patient with me as if I was a small child begging for something that was going to be given anyway. But I wanted to surrender, to give something, to sacrifice, to offer myself up. When Melanie was sick, seconds away from death, I prayed a scary kind of prayer. I prayed "God she is yours, whatever you choose is right". At that very second, her heart started beating on its own, her breath became normal and all the Doctors and nurses stood in awe. A miracle. Am I brave enough to pray that for Mei-Ling ? I would rather bargain, seems easier for this old human to do. But no, I have prayed that same scary prayer and told Melanie the story about her own miracle. Showed her the very texts I claimed for her and told her to do the same for Mei-Ling. I recognized the fear of uncertainty on Melanie's face. I know it well.
No matter where we are in life, when we have no control over the situation many of us seem to find faith. Not that I don't have faith, I always seem to have plenty of that, but I may not always have the devotion I should to God and that sort of gives a different shape to our faith. I have so many questions about God. I have prayed many many times that God, an Angel or Jesus, just come and sit next to me for a short while and just answer my questions, in person, in a voice that anyone could hear. Not just some small still voice that left me wondering if I was going nuts, making it up to make myself feel better or just self talking what I wanted to hear. This isn't being flippant, its serious. I want to know the how's and whys of God. What does He really want from us ? The nitty gritty of how we are to live, yes, even down to what He wants us to wear.
But no one has shown up in person... that is what faith is about I guess. I would rather have proof. I could do better with fewer choices of interpretations of how this or that should be. It seems everyone has a different view of the hows and whys but they all claim to be sure their way is the only way. Imagine learning math with that sort of system ?Today I prayed hard all day and every single time I prayed, there was a voice inside my head, not a whisper, nothing small about this voice, but a strong voice quoting a verse I know that says God has plans to prosper us and not harm us, to give us a hope and a future . A paraphrase but you get the message. (What I heard was exact, but its late and I am worn to a frazzle from the storm. It left me un-nerved and feeling a bit numb brained).
The words gave me comfort. Also I knew that so many were praying about this tiny baby, born with so much love all around her.
In this chapel, I wondered if I asked people would they be willing to email me and tell me they were praying.... hundreds of you. Telling me what you prayed for, telling me who you asked to be praying also. What glory for God to fill pages and pages of a book to be looked at by this child as she grew into adulthood. I would like that. A book of hope and prayer for this tiny grand-daughter.
I got to see Mei-Ling for a bit. She looked good to me. Eyes open, reaching for her mother. Tests were done but we have heard no results yet. Fort Worth is without power tonight. Bad storms all over.
We drove into the storms and had to pull off the road as tornado sirens blasted all around us. We headed for the Target store and took shelter. Hunkering down in the back corner of the store. Lights out, wind ranging above us. Thunder and lightning as I have never heard. People pulling large blankets off the shelves and covering themselves.
Fear was tangible, present in everyone's eyes.
A storm on the sea of life. A bit like this week for us.
Faith held us and will hold us. We drove home through streets filled with tree branches. We felt spent, shaking, but grateful, blessed, saved spared.
God is so good even in the storms of life, even when the seas toss and turn us. Even when we can't see Him.
I have in the past year or so, questioned every single aspect of my belief system. I have openly and candidly "flip flopped" as it was referred to. My struggle with belief has been honest and never covered up.
It would have been a lie to go on with my questionings and not tell you about it. I would have felt like a fake. I am not afraid to be honest about how I have felt. I am not the first or last to question who and what God is either.
I have walked many roads looking for answers. I have felt the need to flee from where I had been in my spiritual path and find the truth, a truth, not just accept what I had been told. But when push comes to shove, I know what the truth is for me. I don't always like it, it's so built on faith and feelings, nothing tangible, nothing proven by facts that would hold up in court or in a science experiment. I have been discouraged by the way Christians have acted, you know, "where is the love?" (hearing Roberta Flack singing there). Sure I know what some of you are saying, "don't look at the people", yeah right...don't the people lead the flocks and tend the sheep ? Don't the people care for the sick and bind up the wounded ? We need to take some responsibility here for some aspect of showing love to one another.
But when it comes down to it, it doesn't matter that there are some real crazies out there puffing themselves up and beating their chests saying "look at me I am the Christian way" when they really are not so nice. What really matters is what's deep in your heart, your love, your patience, your faith in the unseen, your joy, your willingness to say, "I need lots of work yet" or " I have lots to learn each day of my life". It's so much more than a denomination or your lip service that you use to cover up your failings. Its really about, faith in the unseen, and love, deep and abiding, along with profound and never ending gratitude for knowing He is not shorthanded with His love for us.
What have I learned from all this ? That God is there, the same as always, patient with His child who rebels and questions Him. He is ever loving regardless of how I wonder about Him. Glad He is so patient and loving...something to strive for in our own lives.

The stained glass wall in the chapel
Melanie and Mei-Ling, sharing heartfelt looks
Mei-Ling, content and happy even when hooked up to lots of wires