Today has been a day of self reflection. I like days when I can just sit, listening to music, thinking deeply about life in general and my own life, my direction, the places that cause me to loose direction. I like to think about the people that make me feel better when I am around them and think seriously about the people that drag me down and see what my part is in that experience.
The last year or so of my life has been full of changes, major ones. I am now a mother with no children at home. I am now a grandmother. I am now in my 50's which has been incredible. A place of freedom and yet there is this new, almost uncomfortable feeling, like an ill fitting shoe, that I am no longer invincible. Life has taught me that life is fragile at times and that things happen that you don't expect. I think more before I just head off on some journey. Things can go wrong, and when you are younger, you force those limiting thoughts out of you head. You just say, "it wouldn't happen to me".
I am not so sure I like this reality dimension, it stops me at times, believe me, not all the time as there remains within me a bit of this invincibility. Its like being on the fence of caution and adventure.
Enter now the world of blogging....that too has entered into my life in a big way in the past year or so. Its as though the blog has the reins at times and I don't much like that. I let this blogging business run the show some times. The other day I even thought about how the house looked for a picture on the blog, really folks it shouldn't be that way, blogs are not the chairman of the board, we are. It should be the house needs to look the way we want it to, not how it will look on the blog. I often refrain from saying what I really want to because I know it will bring in some heat or have me sure people will think less of me, you know...be judged by the masses in blogland.
You can find yourself crafting for the sake of showing it on the blog, cooking for the sake of showing it on the blog, living your life so you can share it on the blog. I am not saying anyone is doing this 24/7 and I am not saying its how my every move is thought out....its not, but if one thought or action is done for the sake of how it will look on the blog, then that means the blog is really at the helm. Not so sure I want to give any thing that kind of control.
Today I sat listening to music...varied choice as the CD's were changed. Aine Minogue, Phil Collins, Crosby Stills Nash and Young, Loreena McKennitt, and finally Zen Tranquility. Mood music for me, each and every CD I played flooded me with emotions. I realized that I hadn't done that in a long time, sit and listen to music, lost in the tunes. The thief of these wonderful moments has been the computer, mostly blog related stuff.
I love to paint, but hate and I mean strongly dislike any commissioned work, it takes the joy out of it for me, it makes the creative process feel forced and art should never be forced in my thinking. Today, writing feels that way to some extent, except for what I am writing now. Blogging is bogging me down, manipulating me. Time for a break, that is if I can sever this addictive tie to the computer.
burning sage on the wood stove, while the sunshine filters in. I love the smell of sage burning
the woodpile in the house, our heat !