Weekend Reflections

One of the major insights for me this weekend happened on Saturday. Emery drove off to work and left me at the camp site. My choice and actually it took a bit of persuasion on my part to have him agree to leaving me there alone.
I wanted some alone time, to think.
At first it was difficult to be comfortable doing nothing. I went from knitting, to reading, then to cleaning up the site as though we were expecting a royal visit.
I kept telling myself to relax. After a couple hours, there became a natural rhythm of things. I put the knitting and the book away. Sat down and just listened. Birds, insects, the wind rushing through the trees and sounding a bit like traffic coming towards me. The wind would stir the trees a bit off in the distance and head towards me, cooling me and filling me with a simple excitement. I watched the nature of the wind and found it held my attention for long spans of time. A biplane flew over and it gave me a sense of the feelings people would have had so long ago when one flew over their home. I stood almost breathless as it flew over, noisy engine and all. I compared it to the effortless look of the hawks and black vultures I had been watching much of the morning as they would soar in the thermals, graceful and amazing.
I laid on the grass like a small child held in the wonder of nature, watching clouds go by, a dog, a girl with braids flying, a snowman. Each shape transforming into something different right before my eyes.
My stomach growled a bit. Could it be lunch time, I wondered. Looking up at the sun, it seemed it must be close to noon. Didn't really matter, I could eat when I wanted.
The fire was stirred back into leaping flames, and food was served in no time. My hands smudged with charcoal and ash, my fingernails dirty from a multitude of tasks like bringing in the firewood or turning a leaf to see what was under it. I ate with dirty hands, wiping them unabashedly on my shirt when finished eating.
After lunch I washed my dishes, drank lots of water, wished for ice and went on a little walk. I would have wandered off further, but promised Emery there would be no hikes alone.
This time alone made me think about my post on my daily wander blog about people being able to sit alone in a silent room. When I wrote that I felt it was easy for me to do that, and it was, for half an hour or an hour, but here for hour after hour, it took some adjusting, some serious relaxing and yes, meditating.
It became very clear to me that we live in a super paced world. Nothing is slow, not really slow, even my simple life which is slow by comparison to some folks lives, but its nothing compared to not knowing the time or not having a need to know.
There were no thoughts of fall decorating, or baking goodies we don't really need. There were no mile long yard sales in my mind, or what to fix for supper, there was only one choice for that and it was a simple meal anyway. There were no phone calls to make or receive, no need to worry about checking the computer and seeing who emailed me. No floors needed to be swept. Just silence all around me. Me facing my own thoughts. It grew ever more comfortable.
I spent some time thinking about the last week and the mess with poor "Lizzy" loosing it once again. I was finally able to feel really sorry for her, deeper than just saying it, and get beyond being totally ticked off at her weirdness. Sympathy crept in and stayed. Her life is not one I would ever want. Too much anger in her words, showing a deep hurt hidden someplace . It was good to get that all put far behind me. I will be better prepared for her next outburst, and in life, peoples past behaviors are the best predictor of future behaviors, as Dr Phil likes to say.Thought about this opportunity Emery and I have to embrace this new time in life and how we had made this first step of just deciding at the last minute to just take off and go away for the weekend. It felt good and by Saturday night, Emery was the most relaxed I had seen him in years. We laughed like teenagers and felt free. A strange feeling for grown folks.
I gazed up at tree tops and remembered once again how when a child and did that, I imagined the trees moving and swaying as if they were giants looking down at me. It made me laugh.
I wore shorts and could have cared less that I don't shave my legs. Shaving legs is the invention of some strange men who liked young young girls. Can't buy into that, but that's another long story. One I sing at least once a year to all who will listen. But its not the time.
This weekend for all its lack of glamour taught me so very much. Maybe it was like my own version of the Native American vision quest. I was searching for my vision regarding which road to take at this time in my life. I love being a mother and will always see that as the most important roll in my life, but the demands for me to mother 24/7 are just not the same any more and I need to fill in the blanks left by delightfully independant children, grown and married. I am not one to moan the past or able to settle for feeling empty, nor do I want to just fill the hours with things that don't mean something in the big scheme of things.
I came away knowing the answer. It was in that silence, that moment of having no demands, that it all came a bit clearer.
Next month we plan on another such expedition, and I can't wait.