Perfectionism

Life is a teacher, that is if you take the time to be an observer and a student. Many years ago I took pictures on one of the first dates Emery and I had together. As it could happen in the old days, the film broke in the camera and the only way to fix the problem was to open the camera in a dark place and remove the film. As dark as the room seemed to be, it wasn't a "dark room" and the film was slightly over exposed. When Emery saw the pictures he thought I ought to just throw them out as they were light and not perfect. He was a perfectionist. I laughed and said, "no way, someday they will be treasures even in their imperfection". I kept them. Of course now, these pictures are treasures, not for the quality of them, but for the very moment in time they captured and the memories they awaken. New love, first dates, all that wonder and magic of a beginning that has kept on giving joy through all these years. Emery is a wise man. He is a student of life and listens for and observes the lessons. Yes, I gush about him often, but with good reason. He is one of the few people in the world that was a resilient child. Overcoming a life most of us cannot even imagine. He is not stuck in a world that no longer exists for him. Emery has realized that perfectionism is a manifestation of trying to make order in a persons world that is internally out of whack. As if keeping things well ordered on the outside, gives a person control in some area of life, but it never fixes anything. Matter of fact, it usually makes your life and the lives of those around you, miserable. It's almost a sure thing, (there are exceptions to every rule of course) but almost every time you see a perfectionist, they have internal struggles that make them feel out of control inside. Emery learned long ago from those photos that this perfectionism is really just sweating the small stuff and as the title of one of my favorite book says, "its all small stuff".

Learning from life, taking hold of the lessons to be learned is the one true sign of a wise person.

Once you can understand the why of things, you can move past them. You know, the truthful saying by Dr Phil, "You can't change what you don't acknowledge". Most of the time, pride keeps us from acknowledging things that are in need of change within us. Humility and honesty are such strong foundations for wisdom. I admire Emery for seeing the light ! He is a happy man because of learning from life. (he still acknowledges that perfectionism is something he will always have to watch out for) His childhood was wracked with chaos, with bits of emotional shrapnel that surface from time to time and need to be seen for what they are.

Emery and I had reason to talk about those pictures last night. Dealing with a recent situation that is difficult at best, influence from outside our immediate family.

It's a far more relaxed life to move past the place where we feel everything has to be perfect and understand that it rarely is. That being a perfectionist is the very thing that makes people talk about you. The most casual observer can usually see right through the cover up. You want things to be perfect, perhaps in the way your home looks, or severely judge others by this standard of perfection you have devised, but then you are a total wreck emotionally and/or your life is a sham and behind your 4 walls, nothing is right. It's pretty clear for others to see and the joke becomes the story people tell about you. It becomes what you are known for behind your back. Your perfectionism has the joke. People laugh and smirk every time you mess up, its like the ultimate, ha ha ha, event. Better to acknowledge life is not perfect, it never will be and certainly don't expect to order the world to your specifications.

In this little book, "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff, and its all small stuff" by Richard Carlson, PhD

he writes...."I've yet to meet an absolute perfectionist whose life was filled with inner peace. The need for perfection and the desire for inner tranquility conflict with each other. Whenever we are attached to having something a certain way, better than it already is, we are, almost by definition, engaged in a loosing battle. Rather than be content and grateful for what we have, we are focused with what's wrong with something and our need to fix it. When we are zeroed in on what's wrong, it implies we are dissatisfied, discontent.

Whether it's related to ourselves--a disorganized closet, a scratch on the car, an imperfect accomplishment, a few pounds we would like to lose--or someone else's "imperfections" --the way someone looks, behaves, or lives their life--the very act of focusing on imperfection pulls us away from our goal of being kind and gentle. This strategy has nothing to do with ceasing to do your very best but with being overly attached and focused on what's wrong with life. It's about realizing that while there's always a better way to do something, this doesn't mean that you can't enjoy and appreciate the way things already are.

The solution here is to catch yourself when you fall into your habit of insisting that things should be other than they are. Gently remind yourself that life is okay the way it is, right now. In the absence of your judgement, everything would be fine. As you begin to eliminate your need for perfection in all areas of your life, you'll begin to discover the perfection in life itself."

I practice dealing with imperfection all the time... in myself. There will always be things I want to change and grow in, that is a good thing, but learning to accept that I am not perfect is the real goal.

Emery, October 21, 1978 Rockport, MA, over exposed pictures that we now treasure

A book everyone should read