A Journey
For whatever reason, I never quiet felt like I measured up in life. In school I was the outcast, not the same religion as everyone else and there were always comments made about that. It hurt and I grew this mantle of bragging about what I had or what I could do, to make up for being different, for never really fitting in, so if I could do something better, that in itself was something. At home, I was the youngest and having one sister that was profoundly beautiful and another that was very smart, in my eyes there didn't seem to be a slot for me. I was neither of those things in my eyes. Matter of fact, somewhere around age 16 it occurred to me that maybe, just maybe I was not borderline mentally challenged. No joke.
For some reason, my whole life became this journey of finding one thing after another where I was trying to fit in but just didn't for reasons beyond my control. I simply kept putting myself in places where I really was not supposed to be. Not bad places, but more like I was trying to be from Mars when I never was or would be and no matter how hard I tried, I would never look like a Martian. Like being "plain' when I really never felt "plain" in my heart or thoughts, that sort of thing. I kept recreating my childhood of not belonging by constantly seeking to fit in places that were not meant for me. I was carrying a childhood truth, that no longer had any truth in it for me.
All this did was create frustration and frustration on this level makes you feel a bit like you never will arrive. Lots of people feel that sort of frustration. I am not alone and because of this, I feel comfortable in sharing this journey with my readers.
This week I have spent some time looking in the mirror. Trying to see what other people see.
I even took a picture of myself and looked at it. Its not that I hate myself, that's not what I feel, and you shouldn't think that I do...it's just hard for me to accept myself which is not the same as hatred, its a different level of thought. After all, much of my life has been spent trying to make myself into something it was never meant to be. You can loose your authentic self by constantly trying to make yourself fit in. I have done a good job of it all these years.
Now, each and every day, joy bubbles up inside me, at first it was like the bubbles were heavy and small, but each day they become lighter, clearer. More abundant and reflect the growth inside of me.
I love black and white photography. You see the layers.
Comments
It's like you could see inside my heart and mind!
Thanks for this post!
I think all kids must judge themselves harshly, and it takes some of us longer than others to find ourselves. My mother always said I was a "late bloomer" and she was right.
This post is very well written, and insightful!
I admire you greatly...always have =)
Keep on keeping on...
Lots of "old school" attitudes back then. It was the first few years that formed my childhood truth. I cannot tell you how many times teachers and fellow students told me in those first few years that my parents and I were all going to hell because of this or that. Hard things for a kid to hear.
I am curious, do your daughters feel the same way as you do? Did they have problems fitting in as well? I went through the same things as a youngster that you did and I so want to spare my kids those feeling. Do you think a difference in parenting -- feeling more accepted at home -- would have helped you when you were "out in the world" ?
This is a wonderful post! I am on a similar journey. Only for me it has been in the past few years that I realize how different I am ( and not in a negative sense, although I think I would have done well to live in the pioneer days). It's through lots of book reading, prayer, and blogs like yours that I am realizing that just because I love to be home with my family and practice "lost" skills such as sewing, that it's okay to be who I am. God loves me and my family loves me and that is all I really need.
Even though my blog is more a journal of daily happenings in my family, I chose the title "A Different Drum" because we as a family do live quite differently from many of those around us. It's not a bad thing, it's just...different.
Blessings!
My girls are nothing like me in that regard. They are both self assured and confident young women and Steven is also confident. Our parenting is/was so different than my parents.
It takes a lot of courage to write about this. I think so many people have felt similar things...
My oldest daughter, who is ten, has occasionally said she feels different, doesn't fit in at school, because she doesn't watch the television shows and know the pop stars everyone else does.
I reassure her, the best I can, that everyone feels like they don't fit in... I didn't, her dad didn't, and I've never known anyone to say "oh yes, I fit in just great!" What happens is the trying to fit in, and never getting it right, because there is no "in". (In general, that is, because being a different religion and having it be pointed out is a more concrete way of being different.)
I hope that by pointing out that all her classmates have insecurities, she realizes she isn't as much different, as she is the same. Her teacher tells me she's a confident girl, who doesn't follow anyone, but goes her own way, cheerfully. I am so proud of her.
Carly Simon said: "As a singer I tried on all these hats, these voices, these clothes, and eventually out came me."
I've been doing the same, and now, I see more "me" in the mirror than I used to. But it's been a long journey too.
I'm thinking cheerful thoughts your way...