Seeking

Somewhere along lifes pathway I lost touch with God on a personal level. I ceased feeling His presence. I know of course that it was my doing, I felt like His voice was gone. It wasn't that I stopped talking to Him, it was more that I was in a loud and crowded room and couldn't hear Him. I was reading so many things in this pursuit of truth, there was static all around me, noise, philosophies dancing in circles in my head and none of them had concrete answers. I never sought out an easier way to live or just to ignore God, rather, I was actually seeking to know who He really is, what He expects of ME....at this point in life I wasn't concerned one bit with what He expects for anyone else in life, just me. I want to get it right in this life, now, not later on my death bed. I have no desires to waste my life and finally try to make it right just before I draw my last breath. Finally, I realized that there is no proof of truth, not real proof. Sure we can feel something is right, but we can't prove it to someone, just as they cannot prove it isn't. Truth on this level is all about faith....I don't lack faith, but I wanted proof and the search for that can kick faith out the door. I am not saying it always does, but it can.

Recently I sat down feeling almost desperate for God to just hit me over the head with some sort of 2x4 truth stick so that I would know HOW He wants me to live. What does He require ? Is it all narrow and peculiar, or is it wide and expansive with just belief and faith as all that we need ? Tough questions really. I tend to wonder, if God wants us to do everything written in say the New Testament for Christians, then the walk has some definite tones that set you apart from much of the world at large today. Now, some will say....oh Christ only asks us to believe, simple as that. But I am not much of a gambler. Matter of fact I am not one at all. Say there is no God and I believe, well that's that. No big deal. But say there is a God and I don't believe, that would be a big deal. Same with the way we live our lives right now. Say you are a Christian and decide the New Testament is just an outdated, cultural thing full of things for that time and not now only to find out at the end, you got it wrong and it was meant for now too. Paul has plenty of rules, including that phrase about women being submissive. So how we believe, can be a gamble, and personally I think I am coming to the conclusion that I would rather live on the safe side and obey what is written. What do I stand to loose by doing so ? My pride and my rebellious nature perhaps and some of what we know today as fun.

God has not hit me over the head with a truth stick the size of a 2x4 telling me just how I should live. You know, that for sure, definite, no other options sort of thing. But, instead there is this presence, this ever constant arm around my shoulder. This tender touch sort of feeling that is with me always, telling me to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and when I pick up some book that offers a totally different path, it seems so foolish to me, there is now a clear understanding that there is only one God, one path even. Many different roads can take us to this path, but there is only one right road. I feel cornered sometimes, feel like kicking and scratching when I can see that God is calling me to a narrow road that doesn't fit in easily with modern society. I left that narrow path and yet somehow its always in my face, not in a bad "get in your face" sort of way, but more of a reminder of all that is good and its not one I want to see. I can excuse it for a while, thinking about the people, the faults, the errors that you can find along that narrow path. Shoot, I don't want to be like that, so its easy to turn and run, instead of seeing that people are people everywhere. We all fall short and we all need to mind our own business in that respect and just deal with our own shortcomings, take the log out of our own eye and never mind the splinter that we make huge in the other guys eye.

I have honest searching. Searching that hopes to find what it takes to get it right. I so often wish Christ would just come sit next to me for an hour and tell me HOW He wants my life to look like on the inside and the outside. To explain Paul's writings to me and tell me if they are relevant today. Everyone else that tries to explain, seems to have an agenda, a point to prove or to defend how they live.

Its coming close to Sukkot, the "feast of tabernacles" and so I watched the movie "Ushpizin" (Guests) yesterday. It's such an inspiring movie, and although its in Hebrew, you can find it easily with English subtitles, if you don't speak Hebrew !

The devotion to God shown in this movie by a penniless, childless ultra orthodox couple is nothing less than profound. You can read about this movie at http://www.ushpizin.com/

I have never seen this movie without crying. I have never left watching this movie without wondering about my own level of devotion. I want to know God like Malli and Moshe in the movie and not question, how is it we are supposed to live, not just in how we believe, but in the day to day aspects of life.

I want solid answers....I am weary from seeking them and finding only more questions, more than answers.

I know all the right little phrases that people say, just believe etc, but you know, hearing them doesn't do it for me. I need to hear the voice of God, even if its just a whisper.

photo, from the movie Ushpizin