Living The Life You Are Meant to Live

I woke this morning with a feeling of childlike excitement, as though the morning sun peeking out from behind the clouds was holding open a small round door to adventure. Inviting me to enter.
The sky was amazing this morning.....a pencil drawing from a fine illustrated book. It reminded me of the Kim Lewis book, "First Snow". Hurriedly I went to the bookcase, the children's book shelf and there it was.... yes, that was just the sky. My fingers traced the cloud filled sky as if to make me feel it more deeply. How it made me wish for snow and the excitement of preparing for a snow storm. The rushing to get things done. Hay the barn, get warm water in the waterers, give more food to the chickens, haul in wood, bake and put soup on. Have the house toasty warm, and fill it with the smells of home and hearth. I do miss that.
Today the sky reminded me of those things. I dressed in green corduroy jeans, a warm navy blue sweatshirt with DENVER embroidered on it under a row of embroidered pine trees and a shining moon above that. Cozy blue wool socks on my feet.
There was no way I could be contained today, so on with my bright red wellies and my down jacket, and off I go. Camera around my neck of course. Birds are everywhere, feeding at the many feeders around the land. Darting like speeding arrows from tree to feeder, and feeder to tree. Wishing I could make myself invisible to get better shots of them. The cats are under my feet again, all 4 of them. Not much chance of getting close to birds with 4 bird hunters in a row behind me. The way they walk in a single file line behind me makes me feel a bit like some cat captain.
All around me, the world feels alive and joyful. The gratitude I feel for my life makes me want to weep. Maybe that's hormones...or maybe its understanding, hard to know at this stage of life. I will just accept it for whatever it is.

I had a talk with my dad this morning and had the strangest feeling that he doesn't really know me. Not knowing the things that motivate me to live a simple life, shunning the quest for materialism. I hate what this "acquiring" mode of the fast paced modern life does to people. They get lost in there. How is it that someone has known me all my life and doesn't know how I really feel about things, or know what my philosophy on life is ? Is it that I don't share how I feel, or is it ears that won't listen ? Doesn't he know why I prefer to drive an old car,
the very car I wanted for so long, live in a small house, would rather spend my money helping out the next generation, then spend it on things, stuff. This reality of not being known by my own father, was a surprise, a "dawn breaks on Marblehead moment" (an expression from back east, regarding thick headedness and a play on the name of a coastal town called Marblehead) and as of this morning, I can't seem to find the box this new knowledge fits in. I don't know what to do with this feeling, its not hurt or anything like that.
If I had to label it, "funny" would be the closest I could come to finding a name for it.
In my year book from high school, friends put in comments about what they expected I would be in so many years, and they knew me well. Perhaps, my father just can't wrap his mind around how things matter so little to me. Emery and I have exchanged many giggles this morning, thinking about our way of life and the choices we have made. Cold floors, old car, small house, only one car, unfinshed room, always hay being tracked in on the kitchen floor and as if we held some big secret, we laugh knowing for us, this is the perfect life. Good food, sound sleep, very little stress, profound children, love all around us, joy in life, lots of laughter, peace, real peace, simplicity, good health, strong bodies, jobs we both love and being able to live just the way we want.
This life we live has been a journey. When I was a teen I read Thoreau, Muir, Mother Earth News, all instrumental in forming dreams and hopes to live deliberatly and simply. Then later reading Mothering Magazine and many books on raising children naturally we decided to raise our family differently than mainstream America. I didn't even homeschool for religious reasons, John Holt was my inspiration for that, So many influences, forming dreams and then our work in making them come true. Our choices. Its just what we want. How did my dad miss all that ? If you are reading Dad, you should be enlightened now : )

Not long ago I mentioned a wonderful book that I wanted to talk about...today is the day for that. It ties all these words together in a theme of sorts to write about this book.
Finding Your Own North Star, by Martha Beck. She is an author I would like to meet. To see if she is what she wrote, not to judge her for that, but I would like her if she is what she wrote and that is what I hope she is.
This book asks the questions that make you "real" in my thinking.
There are tests in this book, good ones. Hard questions when you are living to acquire, or living to get things and stuff. Hard questions if your life is being lived for performing a certain way just to fit the mold.
I love the test on pages 14 and 15. The first question is so telling. " My life feels like a great adventure" you get the choice to answer, Often, sometimes, rarely and never.
Bet that stops a lot of folks right there. If not there then maybe question #3 " I have fun" with the same choices for answers.
The book is about finding your essential self, the part of us we were designed for, the thing that makes us different from your neighbor or sister. Its where our purpose can be found.
I have spent years wondering who I am, what am I here for, what am I supposed to do. Granted in the years of raising my family, my purpose was well defined and it all felt right. I was doing just as I was meant to. But now, I admit to feeling a bit loose in definition. My role not so well defined. At times I am not even sure what likes and dislikes I have, and certainly there is great inner conflict on how to portray what I feel inside me. Dressing is certainly a statement of who we are and what we represent.
I hate and yes, that is the right word for this, I hate shallowness in a person. Its such a waste of who they are. Its not that I hate their actions, its that I hate the loss they have created in themselves. They seem to live with no lasting purpose, only momentary pleasures that will make them lonely in their old age. What a waste.
So back to the book, it helps you see what makes you happy. What thrills you, what makes you loose track of time.
I am more comfortable on my personal journey after reading this book. More able to see where my purpose in life at this point in time may be.
The book is a map, you might say, to help you find your north star, that will help you see the essential self and good things come to people when they know themselves and live gently, without having to get lost in the "social self".
Joy should be "abounding" in our lives, even in the midst of hardship, we can find joy. It always seems to be found in the simple things, not in fancy houses, fancy cars or in things. Real joy, real peace is the thing we can take with us wherever we are, wherever we go and can never be taken without consent. Be aware though, we can give it to someone who will not care for it, or allow it to be taken from us by fear, if we are not strong.
The music on my stereo is calling me, drawing me in, and scattering my thinking. Its beauty beyond words. So here I end my chat of the morning. Winter Solstice, the CD is taking me from the written word, I go willingly !

I am after all living the life I was meant to live

The morning sky

Kim Lewis' book, The First Snow

A woodpecker at the feeder that Steven made for me

The book....