An Evening Ramble, Feeling Misplaced

Its late, nearly midnight and sleep is no where near, elusive tonight, chased off by a late afternoon nap.
Everything is quiet in the house. Just me alone with my thoughts. I was sitting looking through old photos. My husband had them out this evening to sort them. It brought me to a lot of memories. All good. I saw so many pictures of my children playing, laughing, working and being silly. Many of the pictures are from the Mennonite years and that made me feel a longing. Longing for what I had known for so long. I sat in the living room trying to figure out if life is better now or not. When you step away from a life like that, you take the things you didn't like and make them big. Make them justifiable reasons to leave. Often leaving off the reasons for the actions or beliefs. We make excuses for ourselves throughout our lives and if excuses don't seem right, we point out area that can be seen in a not so positive a light.
The things I say I love now, the freedom etc, well, is it all that its cracked up to be ? I don't know. The verdict is just not in yet.
I think I feel about the same as this poor grape vine that has been waiting for over a week to be planted. We water it and look at it and say, " oh we have to plant that vine soon," but it stands there, growing, but not strong. I finally set the plant in my boot to help it stay upright and not get knocked over.
Its just in the wrong place. It just won't do well that way. I am still trying to find where I am meant to be. In my heart I have a deep belief in God and what I feel He wants from me. In my heart is also self, wanting what I want, or at least what I think I want. Tonight, I miss where I have come from.....