2nd Birthday of MorningRamble, 2 Years of Searching

MorningRamble turned two this month. I had almost forgotten with all that has been going on. Yesterday was slower, easier so I remembered and had time to think about the changes, the growth, the steps taken backwards for me. When I started this blog it was as if someone had given me paper to write what was on my heart, what was important to me, and since I have no problem being open about my life, it gave me a place to share thoughts and doubts. It still does that for me. It is a voice for all those words that run through my head all day long. I go to sleep thinking about what to write and wake anxious to write.

When I started this blog living the plain life was not all that far behind me. I could not settle on where I should be. Living plain is more than just a religious conviction, it is part of every aspect of your life. It is dress, it is outlook, it is tradition, it is action and non-action. Its a hard thing to walk away from, especially if you still believe deeply in living according to all the requirements of the New Testament. The transition away from living that way is almost painful. Its not that I feel full of guilt but more that I feel a part of me is not living true to what I believe deep inside me. So, the easiest thing to do is to say I no longer believe it has to be that way, only really I am just trying to fool myself. As I get older I see more wisdom in the ways of the Amish and conservative Mennonites, rather than feel the rebellion I used to feel. There is less of me saying to myself, "they are just uneducated". More saying, "oh, I understand the reason for that now." There is wisdom in sheltering if you want to avoid confusion. Wow, did I just write that last sentence, me the great and proud rebel ? There is actually more peace in your heart when you are faced with fewer choices in some areas of life. Living that way keeps you more part of a community too. I can see the changes taking place in my sons church as they become more liberal. Something gets lost when the "world" is let in, something wonderful and vital to a way of life that is so un-rushed, so unhurried, so simple in the expectations. Innocence is lost too when reading materials change and movies are allowed. I hear words said by the young people now that I will never allow to be said in my home, and every time I hear them, I am shocked. Its just one aspect yes, and to some a small matter but in the fullness of things it means much. That word or phrase speaks of a big change. Its not that these things are sins per say, but they are signs of a different focus. The separation from the world by plain people has kept them pure and people see that. Its a great topic of discussion all over the world. Easier to be born into that life then try to move into it. Its hard to reclaim that level of...pureness maybe is the word, or maybe its innocence. Its hard to rid your mind of doubt or new thought patterns that really seem easier to chew on or easier to live with considering our nature.

Does all this mean I want to go back to that life, sometimes yes, and sometimes no. It's never easy going back to a place you were. I do miss so many aspects of that life and know if I work at it, I can reclaim some of those things all on my own.

Am I "flip flopping" you bet ya and proud of it, because it means I am working out where I fit in, what I believe deep in the core of my heart. We have never gone to a church faithfully since leaving the plain life. Emery and I just can't settle for less than what we feel in our heart. I spend hours reading stuff that makes me feel better about the changes in our lives, but it never seems to fully settle me. In the two years of this blog, I have gone round and round, mine, an honest journey. But I have to see that at times I am much like the Israelites wandering the wilderness. The journey is not over, and honestly I have no idea when this journey will come to a place of settling down in peace.

I was looking for pictures to go with this post and found this picture, taken well over a year ago, when I still was not sure what I believe and how to live. What a difference there is on the outside now !