Surrender
Surrender is not a word I have ever liked. It conjured up visions of weakness to me. I grew up with the notion that being tough is a good thing. My grandmother was a no nonsense kind of woman and should have worn a sign on her that read, "Don't tread on me." She lived with our family until the day she died, which meant she played an integral part in my life. She was never shy to voice her opinion either, about any aspect of your life. This kind of influence has not always been a blessing. Because from it, I seemed to learn that surrender is not a good thing. I am not speaking militarily here, just so no one even tries to go there. I am speaking more about my inner struggles that I turn into some sort of tug of war. Spiritual tug of war. I am not much for asking for help either. Independent to the core. I am often heard saying, "here, let me do it'. Again, not such a good phrase when speaking of spiritual matters. Since we left attending the Mennonite church its sort of been my secret, internal saying, to God "here, let me do it". I wanted to find the philosophy, the teachings that suited my independent, here, let me do it mindset that grew out of some feeling of abandonment with the Church.I walked many different roads, all leading to the same place, confusion and an unsettled feeling that left me feeling a bit of that "don't tread on me" thinking about God.
Last week, it occurred to me to ask God to stop all the confusion going on inside me, to do an "intervention" (love that Dr Phil kind of word) and take me away from the things that are confusing me. I felt powerless to do it on my own, I had surrendered. With all that has been going on I was tired enough to just let someone else be in control.
Its strange and I have no logical explanation as to the how and why of this but I actually feel no confusion, no pulling in 5 directions. I feel calm about the walk ahead of me. Every single time I feel an inkling to head off in another direction spiritually, there is this unseen gentle hand pulling me back onto the narrow road. I am not sure where the road will lead, but it feels calm walking along it. Surrender and submission, words I have always winced at are just not so bad to me now.
The morning sun
Comments
I was consumed with anger, once, regarding an incident at work, that was wrong, and unfair, and it was really negatively affecting me. I asked God to take the anger, because I wasn't dealing with it well, and it really worked. A huge burden was lifted, and I did let go of the anger.
Glad you have found a sense of peace.
This peace is the reason why I love our church and it's historical liturgy. It's a relief to know I don't have to do anything on a Sunday morning, but just go and receive.