Looking for the Real Me

It occurred to me today when I was reading quietly, actually it was more like one of those "light bulb" moments rather than just a "oh I get it moment". I am always on this search to find myself, to discover who I am, but you know what....all I have been looking for is to find what "role" I am most comfortable in, not who I really am. The reason I haven't "found myself" is rather simple, I am constantly changing naturally and trying to stay the same or find a place for myself to stay in and be defined by, won't work because nothing is still, not even who we are and the rolls we play.
I am a mother and a wife, labels, rolls whatever you want to call them, but within those titles the job changes constantly. As a wife, my role is changing more so now than ever before. We are dating again...no children at home, no demands that we have to do this or that because the children have to be in bed by or get up by. We can decide on a moments time to just leave the house and go on a romantic date to some cozy restaurant or stay at home, have fried eggs and toast for supper. We don't have to do things because of the children's particular needs.
As a mother my role has changed completely. I have adult children that don't need unsolicited advice from mommy any more. Hopefully we did our job good enough, that our young adult offspring don't need mommy and daddy to tell them what to do. They are NO LONGER children. This is a hard role for me to drop though and I am sure my young adult offspring would agree with me on that. Notice I am not calling them children, which is for my benefit, it helps me remember they are in fact adults making their own road in life, even if I think or KNOW its not the best : )
Yes, Tolle has helped me see these things, its not just my own profound thoughts. For me, Truth is truth, no matter who the author. At times I think we would be further along in our understanding of life if everything was written anonymously so no one could judge by the name of who wrote what.
At any rate, understanding that I honestly don't have to be defined by some label or group membership makes it easier for me to simply be me, where I am at this moment in time.
I was thinking about my closet and realizing that my clothes have more to do with fitting into roles that I play than for covering my body.
I have a lovely very classic Ralph Lauren dress I wear to look, oh gosh I am embarrassed to write this but its the truth, to look rich. I wear it shopping or out to eat if we are stepping out of the middle class area and stepping into the higher end stores.
Then there are the amazing, exotic clothes I have that fit well into the "hippie" role, I wear those to "Whole Foods Market" food shopping. There are the dumpy frumpy outfits I have to look, again, a bit embarrassed here by what I am admitting to, but those "modest" potato sacks are for when I want to look "plain", required clothing at some functions where the majority are plain dressing, the judgements are loud and clear when you don't. So rather than just ignore that, I role play once again. Last, there are the cute, sporty looking clothes, the ones that just scream, " I just came from the gym" look. No need to explain that role, its no doubt a wanna be role.
So where are the real me clothes. The tee shirts and jeans, pink flannel shirt added in winter. Wool socks, comfy earth shoes, maybe hiking boots. No role playing, just me. It seeps out of me the most often and the most naturally for me. But certainly that look, attached to that role is not the one that gets approval and praise. Oh forgot, there is the whole "chic" look in my closet too, for the moments when I try to be chic. I am not and never will be chic. Its a role.
The core to all this is, I am who I am right at this moment, this second and no need to try to find myself, I am not lost, my ego just has trouble accepting that the me that I am, is not going to get the praise it so badly wants, thinks it needs. The real me, is just who I am. No need to label it, no need to try and fit it in a box or give it an assigned role to play. Living daily, open to being used by God for the purpose of the day, just doesn't need a label.

me, looking at life through rose colored glasses

Comments

Leigh Ann said…
I love your thoughts. I also think that we often forget that God "causes the rain to fall on the just and the unjust" and that there is a lot of common grace out there. To often I am arrogant and think that simple because I am a believer I know it all. I have so far to go in learning to be gracious.
Sweetpatootie said…
"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." George Bernard Shaw

This is the way I like to think I have been living my life. "Finding" myself sounds like I lost something and am looking for something already defined. Even if I "found" it, would I recognize it? Would I even like it or want it?
"Creating" myself means I am open to all possibilities, learning and changing, and that I am never "finished". How exciting!
I have good roots - but branches that reach and grow.
I think this sounds like you, Patty. You are still "creating" yourself - and that's a "real" good thing.
2 LMZ FARMS said…
As always I trully enjoyed reading your post. Hope you and yours have a blessed day.
Patty said…
I don't mind the phrase "being lost", since in being lost a few times hiking I have discovered some things that were to me, sure signs that I had taken the right trail after all, just it wasn't on MY map : )
Being lost is not necessarily the exact opposite of being found or knowing just where you are. perhaps there are degrees of being lost, or times when our planned route is not the one we are meant to be on .
Dana and Daisy said…
Patty: I totally understand the clothing for roles. Since I gave up a career, my wardrobe has vastly changed. I like the more casual and comfortable attire I am accustomed to now. But sometimes I feel a little frumpy in them. Last year I realized most of my shirts have no buttons and no collars, ie: tee shirts, so I think about it now when I make a new purchase. Maybe I ought to wear "big -girl" clothes more. lol!

One thing that makes you so unique and therefore interesting to get to know is your multi-faceted personality and interests. So I hope you always elude yourself just a little. It's what keeps me reading!
Oh, Patty, so many things to think about in one post! I love your idea about everything being written anonymously. So much truth there. And I am also the mother of grown up "offspring" and at 63 I am doing better at realizing that they are adults, even Andy who is nearly 26 and still lives at home as a grad student in electrical engineering. It is a blessing. And like you, one daughter and one son are very close, but Emily my middle daughter lives nearly four hours away. But she arrived last night with my grandaughter and I have to leave now and go to Alice's and enjoy their presence. Thank you for all the insights you share.
Debbie said…
I just love Morning Ramble!!! Patty, your blog is one of my favorites. Your post on being lost and finding oneself could have described me. I've lost and found myself many times over my soon to be 56 years. It seems like when I became an adult I'd change every 7 years or so. I've never stayed the same. But I discovered that when I lost a part of me I ended up finding another aspect of me I didn't know was there. I don't think I'll ever completely find myself and I'm just fine with that. I'll constantly be evolving and changing. As long as I know that I'm living my life the best that I can and being true to God's principles for my life then I'm okay.

It's a shame I couldn't make peace with my losing and finding and evolving many years ago. I spent alot of time thinking that there was something wrong with me. I'd feel unsettled, angry, sad, frustrated. Now I know that I was fighting against myself. I was trying to hold on to parts of me that I was losing and fighting against the new parts of me I was finding. (I hope the way I wrote that makes sense to everyone. lol)

Anyway, I loved the quote by Shaw that Sweetpatootie wrote. I never though about my looking for something that was already defined. I did, however, have a few friends that I wished I could be more like. Maybe that was what I thought was defined and didn't know it. As I look back I'm glad I never pursued trying to be like them because, ultimately, it would never haved worked.....trying to be defined by someone else just makes you lose yourself even more!

I also agree with what Dana Jones said. I was also thinking of Patty as being multi-faceted. In a way I think we all are multi-faceted creatures. That's the way God made us. And as along as we are in his will, or seeking to find what his will for us is, then we are all A-OK!

Thanks for a great post, Patty and also for all the comments people made.

Debbie

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