Looking for the Real Me

It occurred to me today when I was reading quietly, actually it was more like one of those "light bulb" moments rather than just a "oh I get it moment". I am always on this search to find myself, to discover who I am, but you know what....all I have been looking for is to find what "role" I am most comfortable in, not who I really am. The reason I haven't "found myself" is rather simple, I am constantly changing naturally and trying to stay the same or find a place for myself to stay in and be defined by, won't work because nothing is still, not even who we are and the rolls we play.

I am a mother and a wife, labels, rolls whatever you want to call them, but within those titles the job changes constantly. As a wife, my role is changing more so now than ever before. We are dating again...no children at home, no demands that we have to do this or that because the children have to be in bed by or get up by. We can decide on a moments time to just leave the house and go on a romantic date to some cozy restaurant or stay at home, have fried eggs and toast for supper. We don't have to do things because of the children's particular needs.

As a mother my role has changed completely. I have adult children that don't need unsolicited advice from mommy any more. Hopefully we did our job good enough, that our young adult offspring don't need mommy and daddy to tell them what to do. They are NO LONGER children. This is a hard role for me to drop though and I am sure my young adult offspring would agree with me on that. Notice I am not calling them children, which is for my benefit, it helps me remember they are in fact adults making their own road in life, even if I think or KNOW its not the best : )

Yes, Tolle has helped me see these things, its not just my own profound thoughts. For me, Truth is truth, no matter who the author. At times I think we would be further along in our understanding of life if everything was written anonymously so no one could judge by the name of who wrote what.

At any rate, understanding that I honestly don't have to be defined by some label or group membership makes it easier for me to simply be me, where I am at this moment in time.

I was thinking about my closet and realizing that my clothes have more to do with fitting into roles that I play than for covering my body.

I have a lovely very classic Ralph Lauren dress I wear to look, oh gosh I am embarrassed to write this but its the truth, to look rich. I wear it shopping or out to eat if we are stepping out of the middle class area and stepping into the higher end stores.

Then there are the amazing, exotic clothes I have that fit well into the "hippie" role, I wear those to "Whole Foods Market" food shopping. There are the dumpy frumpy outfits I have to look, again, a bit embarrassed here by what I am admitting to, but those "modest" potato sacks are for when I want to look "plain", required clothing at some functions where the majority are plain dressing, the judgements are loud and clear when you don't. So rather than just ignore that, I role play once again. Last, there are the cute, sporty looking clothes, the ones that just scream, " I just came from the gym" look. No need to explain that role, its no doubt a wanna be role.

So where are the real me clothes. The tee shirts and jeans, pink flannel shirt added in winter. Wool socks, comfy earth shoes, maybe hiking boots. No role playing, just me. It seeps out of me the most often and the most naturally for me. But certainly that look, attached to that role is not the one that gets approval and praise. Oh forgot, there is the whole "chic" look in my closet too, for the moments when I try to be chic. I am not and never will be chic. Its a role.

The core to all this is, I am who I am right at this moment, this second and no need to try to find myself, I am not lost, my ego just has trouble accepting that the me that I am, is not going to get the praise it so badly wants, thinks it needs. The real me, is just who I am. No need to label it, no need to try and fit it in a box or give it an assigned role to play. Living daily, open to being used by God for the purpose of the day, just doesn't need a label.

me, looking at life through rose colored glasses