Gee, I feel Bad, I Think I explained myself poorly

Gee, I feel bad....I had no intentions of sounding depressed in my post about being discontent with how the house was decorated. Writing is a funny thing, we don't always explain ourselves in the best way. What I was trying to say is that sometimes we look for easy, external ways to change things for a bit hoping to make something deeper inside feel better. Its just easier to change the externals than change something within ourselves at times. Dieting is not an easy thing so I can sort of stuff it under the rug that I am wanting to loose weight if I am busy redecorating. Its not that I can't afford to redecorate, its just that I realize its not about the furniture, its about me not being happy with how I look and how I have not been working out as much as I normally do.

Same as people go shopping for clothes when they feel a bit discontent about something. You might feel better for a bit, but pretty soon the clothes you bought seem old, the real reason for discontentment comes back and there you have it, more stuff gets bought that you don't need.

I have no problem facing the fact that I weigh more than I want. I know just the reason I am overweight, when it happened, how it happened and why it isn't changing as fast as I would like.

I was thin and then my mother died, I wasn't there, just got home from a 6 week visit with her and got the call that she died. I blamed myself for her death since she was so sad to see me and the girls go back to California. I ate my way through my grief. I was thin when she died.
Raising the family, there was little time to rationalize or acknowledge my deepest feelings, so I seemed to stay overweight, now its pretty basic, I eat because of habit and I don't like being deprived of the many wondrous foods out there. A small bite is great for Lima beans, but two chocolates are better than one !

The exercise thing, well that is purely a matter of priority, right now my family needs me, leaving no time for the gym or even working out at home.

Being honest about things like feeling discontent, isn't a pleasant topic in many ways, its just a bit too honest, too open, too real. I think my feelings reflect the mood of many a woman at times. Just I wanted to write out that the real reason for my wanting to Ikea the house, has nothing to do with decorating or being discontent with the house, it has to do with making a simple change to avoid looking at what I really need to change. My weight. I want to be healthy, its not about the looking good so much as knowing at my health is the main factor.

So the bottom line is, I am discontent with what I weigh, not with the house, its just changing the house is a temporary fix for the feelings.

On a side note, ask anyone in my family about my seasonal changes to the house. Usually I paint the walls in the living room at least once a year. Emery claims the room is smaller for all the layers of paint on the walls. I put up new curtains, change the theme, etc. I love changes. However, in the past couple years, I have kept things much the same and its probably getting to me. So some of this wish to Ikea the house has been long in coming. I am wise enough to know what is just the love of having things different for a change and this deeper mood of wanting me to loose the weight. I want to transform myself, to really re-define who I am now at 52, no children home, a grandmother, a new phase of life. No longer burdened by beliefs that are only half truths. No longer a farm woman. So the more I write, the more I see its about making the transition from where I have been to where I want to be now.

I have had the pink Victorian look, the native American home, the Scandinavian home, the zen look, the early American look, the Amish look, the formal look and the homestead look all in the past 10 years.

I suppose part of this also reflects the mood of what my current interests are too, so maybe its not just being discontent with my weight and it sure isn't about being moody, its all about doing the internal work to get where I know I need to be health wise and have it all match the who I am now.

It is of no accident that I desire to slim down the look in the house, more of less. More of the clean slick lines. I am wanting to have my house look like I want to look.

me, delighted with life as I am now