Defining my life

The wind just picked up, blowing the curtains in the window as if they were silk hankies flying from the hand of a gracious lady. The breeze feels good, cooling, refreshing and invigorating. Maybe a bit symbolic for me, bringing in a change. I don't see any drastic changes in the way my life is lead, but I do see big changes in the motivation for how I live and I like that. I need that. We need to grow, to stretch, to question what we believe and why we do what we do. We need to examine ourselves, our motives and where we want to go in life. Being stagnant is never a pretty thing ! After your family is grown you have time to reflect on your life, define yourself and its wonderfully amazing to be on the journey to find "your own north star" as it is written about by Martha Beck. I love this time in life. Insecurities have been chased off for the most part. I am not so concerned with externals. There is a deep yearning for inner peace and time to go after it. We are not struggling to raise a family. We have more money than we have ever had. I can pretty much buy whatever I want, and funny, I don't seem to need much.

I don't have to be able to do everything. I lost that over achiever mentality. I don't feel defined by what I can or cannot do. There is more to me than that.

I am finally comfortable believing what I do even if its not the same as anyone else. There is profound joy in my life. Children who are good people, accomplished in their chosen fields. Grandbabies that are blossoming before my eyes. And best of all, I am so full of love for my dear Emery. He is my gentle man in so many ways, in every way. Our life right now is just like dating only with the deepest level of commitment and security. We were talking the other day that its probably been 15 years since we have had a disagreement of any measure. That's nice.

I don't feel bad if people feel disappointed in me for being who I am. That is on their shoulders and not mine. Its not my burden, its there's if they want it to be. My niece won't speak to me and hasn't for over a year. Have no idea why, have asked her, have apologized for whatever it was I did. Asked her to tell me honestly what I could have done that was so bad that she won't even talk about it and no response from her at all. Poured my heart out to her, the whole nine yards. She hurt me deeply by her silence until I realized that I am not the one holding in some resentment or anger or whatever it is. Its her issue, her problem. And yes, her loss. I love her deeply and that love will never change despite the fact that she has chosen to pull away. Supposedly no one in the family has a clue about why she is being this way. Not sure if that is true. I doubt it is. Usually people complain to others about something big enough to stop speaking to a person ! But the point is, I mourned the loss of this relationship but its not going to define me, to set me on a course of letting it consume me. My north star will not be the hurtful or the negative things that cross our paths. I won't let that happen. My north star will be high in the sky, bright and full of promise. Leading me to places I have not been. Leading me to deeper meanings of what I do set my heart on. I will always remain a simple living person, but that doesn't make me simple ! I will seek to live gently on this earth. I will also leave plenty of time and energy to play, to laugh, to not be so bound to someone elses definition of simplicity. I am going to walk away from past ugliness that I let sit in a dark corner of my being, still holding a string that could be pulled from time to time as if it had some control.

I love this time of life and am going to embrace it with enthusiasm and profound joy. Life is better than good, its down right GREAT.

Jimi Hendrix is singing Purple Haze in the other room, I never much liked his music but today it works.