Anger The Sheild Against Hurt

Anger is a strange emotion. It never seems to make me feel better to be angry, but it does act as a shield at times from being hurt more. Anger is often times the very cornerstone of building walls, the foundation of shutting out what has hurt us. If I am angry at someone, that very anger will keep me from being hurt further by the offender. Of course their is the fly off the handle sort of anger that is really just a reaction to a situation and often has nothing to do with that situation, but seems to be something deep inside, just brewing, waiting for a hole to escape like a crack in the ground where molten lava can escape.
I have been thinking about my sister a lot recently. She has had a boyfriend now for about a year, and in that time she has completely divorced herself from the family. I don't think he is the type to forbid her to have contact with any of us, I think its more like she is happy for the first time in a long time and fears so much that she might loose him that she spends every single waking moment holding on to the relationship, reminding everyone who knows her of the small child holding so tight to its new pet duckling, that in the end she squeezes the poor critter to death. In all this time of Melanie being in the hospital prior to Mei-Lings birth and with all the seriousness of Mei-Lings health issues, my sister has called only a couple times to see how she is. Now this is from a sister that I once chatted to almost every day on the phone, and then would IM for an hour every night. I am a busy person, always have been with my family and farm life but there was always room to talk with my sister. Perfect strangers have shown more concern about Mei-Ling than this sister who has been a best friend for most of my life. Naturally I am deeply and profoundly hurt by my sisters lack of communication. No way to reach her, she is not home any more, and you sort of loose interest when someone you have been so close to never checks on you when there is a life and death struggle going on in your family. So its easy to turn this hurt into anger. She used to pride herself on being close to my daughters but now, they are so hurt they just wonder what happened to change things so much. Love doesn't make you loose connection with your family, certainly not when you are in your 50's. By then you realize the world we live in is made up of many relationships with family and friends. I am guessing its been several months since we have talked. I am sure she doesn't want to talk to me now because its awkward. I want to be so mad at her, angry, start shutting her out, building a wall, saying things like, " I am certainly not calling her or telling her whats happening." Everyone in my family is feeling the same things, sisters, dad and my own children. I keep trying to put these things in perspective and feel sorry for her that she is so concentrated on one aspect of her life that nothing else can fit in. There must be so much fear there for her to react this way.
I can see now, from this experience how anger can take over for hurt. Its a protective emotion this anger. It turns our vulnerability into what seems like a strength, the upper hand of sorts.
Hurt is painful, it is just like a wound, left open, exposed, painful with every movement. Anger lets you be the boss, you be in control, lets you cover the wound with plaster. But it anger transforms things, mutates, is self centered in the way it grows into its own thing. Soon the original matter gets lost, it becomes all about every single little thing that could be taken the wrong way. I have a couple folk in blogland that peruse my blog daily, looking for something to take issue with. I check my stat counter to see how many times a day they visit my blog, and when its over 4 in a morning I can bet they have been on the attack and are just watching for some reaction. And that is what anger becomes like, a monster consuming us, it no longer is about the original matter, its about anything that might be taken wrong. I don't want my feelings for my sister to become like that. But I don't like this hurt feeling either. I have tried talking, send emails, all that stuff. Its really not personal, since she is that way with everyone else in her life, but this guy and his grand-daughter. I don't think she is capable at this time for what ever reason to have a multidimensional life. She can only focus on one thing. I am writing about this personal issue because I know that I am not alone in having these feelings. The circumstances are not the same but most everyone has had this kind of situation on some level and let it get to the place where anger has festered and grown and soon become the only aspect recognized. I know far too many parents who have grown children that have gone and done things the parents don't agree with, and often the very same things the parents did in their youth, but because the parents feel hurt, or shame because their children may have acted in a way contrary to the parents belief system, the parents grow angry, cut communication with their child. Anger grows, is felt on both sides and soon there no longer is a relationship, when it really is about hurt and shame. I have more than once asked these parents, " so what was it that turned your life around ?" the response is always the same......" I met this person who was not judgemental, just showed me the unconditional way of Christ, I felt loved, accepted and then I wanted to live the right way." At that point I want to shake them, "do that very same thing for your child, you may be the only one that can step up to that plate."
I am thinking about my sister. I cannot make her want to remain close to the family. But I can watch my own feelings and make certain my hurt does not turn to anger and build a wall that is too hard to crash through.