Life Isn't Always Easy

One thing I know for sure, life isn't always easy. I have had some really difficult things to go through in my life, one of the hardest was hearing the words from the Doctor nearly 20 years ago say, "we don't think your daughter will make it through the night." I pleaded with God at that moment and bargained with Him, "whatever it takes God, let her live" and then I watched them call a code on her, ready to inject her heart and at that very moment I prayed, "your will God" and hated that I prayed that. Within in second, her vitals returned to normal. I have never viewed God as some sinister character that watches us from above wanting to know just what we would do if it took it all from us. I just don't like that kind of concept. I sure wouldn't test my children's love for me that way, I love them too much to do that or play that kind of game. But whatever...we were able to take our precious child home from the hospital and feel very lucky to this day. I felt some of those same feelings with Mei-Ling and felt the pain that Melanie and Casi have felt as they went through that same kind of horror that we went through when we almost lost Melanie. I suspect only parents that have gone through this kind of thing can understand and relate to the fact that even now I am not willing to let Melanie be alone when she is so fragile.
I have lost loved ones, and know that pain, the emptiness that comes with it. I have been threatened with incredible danger and yet, nothing can compare to how I felt when we came within a hair of loosing a child. I always told God, that was the one thing I could not handle and that I would no doubt curse Him if it happened. That's just honestly how I feel. No need to tell me the error of feeling that way. It is what it is. To this day, I have in my cedar chest, the small undershirt Melanie wore when she was rushed to the E.R. its cut up the middle and up the sleeves. Some sort of strange reminder for me that we are indeed blessed to have her still with us. Emery can't even look at it. Melanie understands now why I have kept it, she has her own reminders for Mei-Ling.
Right now my dad is beginning the fight of his life, cancer has invaded his body and I hate that. There is nothing fair about it. And I am struggling with wanting to be with my dad in Florida and yet just down the road is my child, an adult yes, but her life too is in danger. Her blood sugars go so low that in a moments time we could loose her and the tiny one she carries within her. When Casi is at work, Melanie is alone and I have to, want to, need to, be there for her. And then there is sweet Mei-Ling, if Melanie is hospitalized. She has some real medical needs and not everyone knows how to care for her vesicostomy.
I am not trying to justify why I am not heading to Florida right off to take care of my dad. Maybe more to explain with all my heart why it is that I have to, need to, be here for Melanie. The last time we had to call the ambulance for Melanie, she had called in a tiny voice..."mom, I need help" Emery and I flew out the door, drove the short distance between our houses, it took less than 5 minutes for us to get there and find a passed out, cold, bluish girl. Totally non responsive. The paramedics were there in just a couple minutes and could not revive her either until after they got an IV flooding her. It was for me, that same horror of nearly 20 years ago. Folks can yell at me all they want but I am not going to leave Melanie and our unborn grandchild right now. I do wish I could be in two places at once, but I can't. Life isn't always easy and the choices we make, not always popular, but, I have a habit of making unpopular choices that all seem to work out in the end. We all need to live our lives according to our hearts and that dear friends is not always easy.
Heartstrings tug in all directions.

Comments

I think you know with all your heart that you must be where you are for Melanie and Mei-Ling. That doesn't mean you aren't going to feel pulled apart with the need to give caring attention in two places.
My Dad [age 92] is also beginning a battle with cancer. 2100 difficult miles separate my home from his. My sisters bore the brunt of our mother's passing years, they will also be taking the major responsibility for our Dad. When I have "gone home" I am a visitor, not invovled in day to day planning and have to be careful not to appear critical or making suggestions from the "outside." Ideally families could work together at such difficult times. Sadly, it doesn't always happen.
There are times when I have felt suddenly nudged to whisper a prayer for Melanie--its an urge I obey without questioning---If someone is brought to my mind I beleive there must be an immediate need.
I would appreciate your prayers for my Dad. It isn't fair that the ending of long lives should be with such suffering.
Oh Patty, this is so very tough. I think you are right to stay with Melanie but what a terrible decision to make. May you have strength. I hope you are able to talk to your Dad on the phone but I am sure it is not all you would like to do. You must feel as though the flood waters were just swirling above your head. But things will get better. Nothing stays the same and all change carries hope. Keep on finding the good in every day, every hour, every minute. I know you are a tower of strength for everyone around you. I understand just a little, from the time of Paul's illness and death and terrible decisions that had to be made. I am praying for you.
I understand that our children have to come first, even if they are adults. My daughter lost her beautiful three year old son, a few months ago, in a tragic accident. My beautiful grandson.
I had to travel over 1000 miles to get to her, and nothing would have come before going to her. Nothing hurts worse than losing a child.
Joanie said…
I can only imagine the stress and strain this puts on your heart right now. Praying for you all right now ~ asking God to work in and through every situation and to bring you peace in the midst of it; knowing He is at work even when we, humanly, are unable to be everywhere at the same time.

Thank you Lord that Your love endures forever. It's so hard to hand everything over for you to manage (when we want to be there in person to care for, love and comfort those in need). Please bless this precious family in the midst of life challenges; trusting You to take care of the details they cannot. You are able and we praise Your wonderful name ~ even in the midst of the storms and trials of life. You are so good!
Shellie said…
Patty, I'm sorry to hear about your dad but I completely understand your decision to stay near Melanie. I would do exactly the same thing. You all are in my thoughts and prayers.
Marianna said…
Patty,

My heart breaks for the position you are in. It is difficult to be sure. You, your dad and Melanie all continue to be in my prayers.
misscathy said…
Please consider yourself hugged...
We are often so torn knowing what path is the best one aren't we? The catagory of mom and grandma often take first priority for me. I am grateful that my mom also feels this way so her and my dad's needs are not always first over my sons and grandbabies. I am also blessed that my sons are now being generous and understand me needing time to help mom and dad more... but the delemia of being torn by more than one need at a time is just pure stress at it's best...I am often reduced prayer (of course this is where I was supposed to start anyway *:)...) So I will add you to this prayer..."GOD please give us both your godly wisdom as we make our daily choices on what to do with our time and energy"
you be blessed today...
God bless you, Patty! I do understand you. I will keep you and all of your family in prayer. I know you will keep us up-to-date with Melanie's and your dad's progress.

My oldest daughter was born with a rare kidney disease at the age of 6 months. She needed a transplant immediately but was too small to receive one. They prepared us for her death. This is where my hubby and I gave our lives to our Savior! We realized we had 2 choices, be mad and curse God or submit to Him. We chose the latter. Absolute miracles happened within the next few days. She had both kidney's taken at 14 months and transplant at 20 months. My sweet and devoted husband was her donor. She lives today and is healthy!

God is marvelous! Bless His name!

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