Discovery

I am a firm believer in life being a journey with new roads to discover, to walk down, even if only for a short distance. At times we are certain we are to go this way or that way and at other times you simply have a desire to see what is down that new road.

In many ways this post is difficult for me and I have put off writing it for a few days, waiting until I know how to express what I am feeling. No, I am not making some huge life change, but I am making changes.

Last weekend I had a "light bulb" moment....I had seen something coming, saw signs that as I am approaching age 55 this summer that I was finally beginning to understand the how and why of myself in a deeper sense.

What we experience as children molds who we become as adults, and we all take on the information we are handed in different ways. For some reason when I was in school and there was all this talk about "the time of the end" and "fleeing to the mountains" and being persecuted for keeping Saturday as Sabbath, somewhere along the way that turned into a deep seeded fear for me and created in me a need to learn how to survive off the land, be able to live like in the old days. We tend to bury fear and re-label it so we don't appear weak, as fear is seen as a weakness to many people. By the time I was 15, I had read so many living off the land sort of books and deciding that was the way I wanted to live, that it became my dream life. It seemed to most that I was just a back to nature kind of girl, happiest in the woods, wandering, exploring and I was, still am happy in that setting, but my motivation was in reality this need to learn how to live without being hungry, cold, etc no matter what situation the world was in. This dream of mine to live in the woods, without electricity was fear based, but by the time I was 21, I had turned this into appearing as though I was just a nature girl...and after a while, the real reasons got shoved below the need to make it all look "cool" and transform it into a philosophy of life more than anything else. Got married, lived in the city, stayed focused on someday having my self sufficient life style. Storms would come and I would be better prepared than anyone else. I could survive without the need of stores, electric companies etc. Always kept large amounts of food and clothing, just in case. Learned how to skin animals and tan their hides, make soap, make candles, tend bees, butcher chickens, treat illnesses with herbs, gained a broad spectrum of medical situations and on and on the list grew of my survival skills, prepared for all that I had learned about in school about the horrible turbulent "times of the end". I feed a sheep, sheer a sheep, spin its wool, and knit or weave that yarn into usable clothing. I could build a fire under just about any condition. I could cook good meals without a modern stove. I would not be left starving or cold if we had to "flee to the mountains" nor would my husband or children lay cold and hungry in some cave while we were being chased by authorities who told us we could not live if we kept Saturday Sabbath. I know not every SDA has these horrific fears, but for me they were real, something clicked in my childhood to set me on this path. I am not even SDA any longer, but those fears are deep seeded and when the avian flu arrived on the scene last month, I sat back and said, "well if a pandemic comes, we are prepared to not have to leave the house for months" and I felt satisfied. Fear is crippling, it makes us behave in certain ways that are not always based on reality. And I have seen that.

I love simplicity, love not buying into the gutta have mentality. I love not being consumed by drama and being able to take time to live, to experience and to walk softly through life. But I don't really like this "homestead life" that I designed to hide my fears behind. The fear driven existence no longer serves me. I don't even believe that hype I was taught in school. I don't even keep Saturday as a Sabbath. But I am living still through the eyes of a frightened 8 year old, afraid of having to flee to the mountains due to some National Sunday Law and later when I had to read chapter 39 of the Ellen White book, The Great Controversy in high school the deal was sealed on my fear motivated goals on how I would live....

Having explained all this, not so much for you but for me to get it out, print it for me to see, I know that its time to let go of this homestead life for a bit and get past the fear driven motivation to live like this. I really don't like hanging clothes up in the ice cold winter or the hot days of summer, or making soap, or candles or butchering chickens. I do like the simple life but it needs to be for a different reason than fear. If I live this way it needs to be for stepping lightly on this world or for just the quietude of it. I suspect knowing all this about myself and my reasoning for the why of the way I have chosen to live, I can start to move past these fears and find a different motivation, a healthier one, one that doesn't keep my house full of things that I might need if the world goes bad. I won't have so much stuff laying around for "just in case". The house will become leaner and easier to maintain and I won't need goats when I don't really want them at this point in life. I honestly would rather be a bit of a traveller and be spontaneous. Milking animals removes the phrase "spontaneous adventures" out of the picture completely.

Emery and I want a new phase for us and I can not do that until I get rid of the fear. I made great strides this week of saying goodbye to a crippling "childhood truth" that no longer serves me.

Living should not be done in fear, but in joy. Not sure where this road I am taking will lead me, and there is a possibility it will take me right back to where I have been, but with different motivation, and most certainly, where I end up will not be from a place of fear. I am open to change and looking forward to growing in peace.