Life Isn't Always Easy

One thing I know for sure, life isn't always easy. I have had some really difficult things to go through in my life, one of the hardest was hearing the words from the Doctor nearly 20 years ago say, "we don't think your daughter will make it through the night." I pleaded with God at that moment and bargained with Him, "whatever it takes God, let her live" and then I watched them call a code on her, ready to inject her heart and at that very moment I prayed, "your will God" and hated that I prayed that. Within in second, her vitals returned to normal. I have never viewed God as some sinister character that watches us from above wanting to know just what we would do if it took it all from us. I just don't like that kind of concept. I sure wouldn't test my children's love for me that way, I love them too much to do that or play that kind of game. But whatever...we were able to take our precious child home from the hospital and feel very lucky to this day. I felt some of those same feelings with Mei-Ling and felt the pain that Melanie and Casi have felt as they went through that same kind of horror that we went through when we almost lost Melanie. I suspect only parents that have gone through this kind of thing can understand and relate to the fact that even now I am not willing to let Melanie be alone when she is so fragile.

I have lost loved ones, and know that pain, the emptiness that comes with it. I have been threatened with incredible danger and yet, nothing can compare to how I felt when we came within a hair of loosing a child. I always told God, that was the one thing I could not handle and that I would no doubt curse Him if it happened. That's just honestly how I feel. No need to tell me the error of feeling that way. It is what it is. To this day, I have in my cedar chest, the small undershirt Melanie wore when she was rushed to the E.R. its cut up the middle and up the sleeves. Some sort of strange reminder for me that we are indeed blessed to have her still with us. Emery can't even look at it. Melanie understands now why I have kept it, she has her own reminders for Mei-Ling.

Right now my dad is beginning the fight of his life, cancer has invaded his body and I hate that. There is nothing fair about it. And I am struggling with wanting to be with my dad in Florida and yet just down the road is my child, an adult yes, but her life too is in danger. Her blood sugars go so low that in a moments time we could loose her and the tiny one she carries within her. When Casi is at work, Melanie is alone and I have to, want to, need to, be there for her. And then there is sweet Mei-Ling, if Melanie is hospitalized. She has some real medical needs and not everyone knows how to care for her vesicostomy.

I am not trying to justify why I am not heading to Florida right off to take care of my dad. Maybe more to explain with all my heart why it is that I have to, need to, be here for Melanie. The last time we had to call the ambulance for Melanie, she had called in a tiny voice..."mom, I need help" Emery and I flew out the door, drove the short distance between our houses, it took less than 5 minutes for us to get there and find a passed out, cold, bluish girl. Totally non responsive. The paramedics were there in just a couple minutes and could not revive her either until after they got an IV flooding her. It was for me, that same horror of nearly 20 years ago. Folks can yell at me all they want but I am not going to leave Melanie and our unborn grandchild right now. I do wish I could be in two places at once, but I can't. Life isn't always easy and the choices we make, not always popular, but, I have a habit of making unpopular choices that all seem to work out in the end. We all need to live our lives according to our hearts and that dear friends is not always easy.

Heartstrings tug in all directions.